no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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