3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize