Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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