Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just had sex on a roof
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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