why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
