and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
