I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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