i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
