You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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