We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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