'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
