OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
