I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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