She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
FUCK WHALES
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
