Who wears a wallet chain?!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
