apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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