i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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