Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
