Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
