...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
