oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
