I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize