I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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