We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
