its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
