Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
