Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
