my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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