I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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