Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
