Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
