I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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