Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
