New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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