Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
