I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
