I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
