There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
