So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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