we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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