I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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