Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
