2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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