I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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