A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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