she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
