It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
