remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
