the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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