i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
