I wish they made helmets for livers.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
