I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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