Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
