I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
