I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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