Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
