he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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