Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
