Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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