can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
