Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
