I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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