I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
