Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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