dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
