My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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