Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
