I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize