I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize