thus making me awesome and them whores
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize